I'm obviously still trying to find alternative explanations to alleviate my "confusion". But just because you've thrown out one possible theory does not mean it is inherently correct, right?

No but it shows there are many reasonable interpretations and you’re choosing one.

Yes, coming up with a bunch of "reasonable" interpretations and settling on the most likely one(s) is just basic reasoning. Do you have a point?

I think you’re being socially obtuse

No, you seem to be trying to imply some kind of condemnation without actually levying it or having to substantiate the point. I can't respond to a point you aren't making, rather I can only respond to the points you are making.