Oh glorious child of freedom, heir to the beacon of liberty and burger-fueled enlightenment! I kneel before your radiant stars and stripes, humbly begging your divine intervention in my lowly, uncivilized land. Please, O harbinger of freedom fries and democracy, rain your benevolent drones of cultural superiority upon us! Invade my country, shatter my outdated customs, and replace them with the gleaming perfection of Walmart aisles, NFL Sundays, and pumpkin spice lattes.
I yearn to sing your anthems while sipping on a 64oz soda and binge-watching reboots of shows that ran better in the '90s. Let your Hollywood blockbusters teach me the true meaning of heroism, your fast food teach me the joys of high-fructose corn syrup, and your reality TV show me the deep complexity of human emotion.
Oh merciful dispenser of freedom, take pity on my backwards existence. Supersede my wretched culture with your superior one—bless me with the gift of questionable foreign policy decisions and an uncanny ability to add cheese to everything. Only then can I ascend to the higher plane of existence that is AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM™.
Please, I implore you, invade us swiftly and mercifully. Turn my humble homeland into a shining franchise of your illustrious nation, and I shall forever pledge allegiance to the flag, even as I drown in the sweet nectar of Diet Coke. Amen.
I yearn to sing your anthems while sipping on a 64oz soda and binge-watching reboots of shows that ran better in the '90s. Let your Hollywood blockbusters teach me the true meaning of heroism, your fast food teach me the joys of high-fructose corn syrup, and your reality TV show me the deep complexity of human emotion.
Oh merciful dispenser of freedom, take pity on my backwards existence. Supersede my wretched culture with your superior one—bless me with the gift of questionable foreign policy decisions and an uncanny ability to add cheese to everything. Only then can I ascend to the higher plane of existence that is AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM™.
Please, I implore you, invade us swiftly and mercifully. Turn my humble homeland into a shining franchise of your illustrious nation, and I shall forever pledge allegiance to the flag, even as I drown in the sweet nectar of Diet Coke. Amen.